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Katie Kovaleski & Elli Richter

how to change the negative self talk & love yourself

by | May 25, 2022 | Uncategorized

You may have heard it a thousand times too; love yourself, be your own best friend. It is the one relationship you have forever. I don’t know about you, but I find that it has not been that easy to make that my default. How do you actually change the negative self talk and love yourself?

I have known and been working on it for decades that changing my negative self talk and loving myself would be super helpful for pretty much every area of my life, but I just could not seem to embody it fully until I found an effective way to reprogram and integrate my subconscious mind.

I tried a lot of different things to end the war between my two ears and to help others to do the same.

Be kind to yourself, love yourself. Very good ideas, but easier said than done, and easier heard than implemented.

We relate to ourselves the way we have been conditioned to. And most people do not like/love themselves unconditionally, because most people never experienced being loved unconditionally.

Most of us are hardwired to be our own worst critics, I definitely was.

Being hard on ourselves does not actually make us more productive, successful, or better. It is just exhausting.

To change the negative self talk and love yourself, it is about changing our minds and aligning with what our soul/higher self already knows: you are whole, complete, innately worthy, and good enough. And we have amazing tools available to help us do that!

Let’s start with the subconscious mind…

say hello to the bitchy inner critic…

Have you ever decided to make some positive changes? Say for new years, your birthday, after an indulgent weekend, vacation, yoga class, or random shower moment of clarity?

of course you have!

And have you ever noticed that as soon as we decide on what we want, fears and doubt move in?

…say hello to the ‘bitchy inner critic’. The inner critical commentator. The ‘ego’.

How are you going to do THAT?

What are others going to think?

You don’t have what it takes.

This bitchy inner critic really is our subconscious conditioning. The narratives we grew up with, are surrounded by, and have been passed down from previous generations.

good news: the inner critic is not you, its subconscious conditioning..

First of all, the exciting part is that we are NOT this voice, we are not our conditioning.

This part of our consciousness is our habitual mind that records everything we ever heard, felt, saw, and experienced into models of reality and programs. This subconscious mind makes 95-99% of our consciousness and is an important key to change and transformation. Circa 70% of the subconscious mind is primed to fear, lack, and separation! That is 70% that is wired negatively, wow!!

Whatever we consciously focus on in our day to day, our subconscious mind has something to say about it. Like a nagging ‘back talk’.

Why is this relevant? The subconscious also governs our physiology, including digestion, heart rate, and nervous system.

Negative self talk and triggered trauma loops make our nervous system go into fight-flight-freeze, and we feel activated (anxious).

Here is an example..

Say you decide to put yourself out there again to date. Suddenly it feels less exciting, and more stressful. Maybe in your mind, you already failed the imagined timeline of your life. Life didn’t turn out the way you thought? Maybe you think there is something wrong with you for being single at your age. Or you heard stories about being single at this age when you were growing up, now you think you are that person…

Or perhaps something happens and you feel triggered. Maybe in the past, you experienced one of the core wounds: betrayal, rejection, abandonment, and neglect, and your guard is up. Unprocessed events and emotions from the past often create fears for the past repeating itself in the future.

The subconscious mind associates. That means that everything that is associated with dating, love, and relationships will now be activated, including past events that have an emotional charge (trauma/stress).

Before you know it, your whole system is activated (anxious), and you find yourself insecure, second guessing yourself, questioning yourself, wondering what is wrong with you, and if you should become a cat person instead.

around 70% of our conditioning is limiting..

Not all ‘programs’ are positive or life enhancing.

In fact, a lot of our conditioning is negative, fear based, and projecting to the painful past into the future.

The bitchy inner critic, aka subconscious conditioning, might sound something like…

You are going to be alone forever.

The person you want does not exist.

You are not good enough.

Once they get to know you, they will leave you.

You cannot handle getting rejected again.

When we examine these thoughts, they are not actually 100% true, and this would be a great example of needing more loving self talk and self love in action. What would a person that loves themselves do and say to themselves?

another word for ‘fear’ is subconscious limiting belief…

Or maybe you wake up one day and decide you want to help others with your experiences and wisdom and write a book, create art, create your own business, teach?

Cue the fears..False Evidence Appearing Real

What are others going to think?

What if I fail?

I don’t know what I am doing, i m not smart enough

what if it is too late?

There are too many people already doing this..

All also call these set of fearful beliefs IMPOSTER SYNDROME.

I don’t know about you, and I have wrestled with that voice for most of my life. And I have tried everything with it.

So where do we start with all of this? How can you change the negative self talk and love yourself?

gorgeous beings meditating with me at a Charleston Food and Wine festival event 2019…
picture by Alice Keeney

step 1: how to change the negative self talk – become aware

The first step to change is always Awareness. I was in my early 20s when I first started to become conscious of ‘the voice’ between my ears and realized that I am not the only one. And that we all do these kind of mental gymnastics.

I was studying Yoga, Meditation, ayurveda, breathwork, and the ‘course in miracles’ at the time, and listened a lot to Eckhart Tolle, Wayne Dyer, and Louise Hay. And everyone kept referring to that voice as ‘the ego’, and that it starts with becoming aware of it.

I learned that the ego, aka subconscious conditioning, forms in the first 7 years of our lives.

It is a mix of our caretakers/parents voices, society, peers, and anything we sensed and experienced.

The conditioned mind is like a radio show host, always making comments, especially when we are about to do something new, or when we are wanting to change a habit, or stop doing something.

Practicing mindfulness, meditation, Breathwork, and having vulnerable conversations can bring amazing awareness to these habitual belief patterns. We have beliefs about everything. And whatever we truly don’t know anything about, we also have a program about it: usually fear. Everyone knows about the ‘fear of the unknown’.

Journaling about what you believe about a subject, and then examining those beliefs for truth can be really powerful.

is this belief 100% true all the time, yes or no?

Awareness is the first step to change and transformation.

Check out my guided Meditations and Sound Baths here https://www.resonancespace.com/by-elli-richter

step 2: love yourself & accept the conditioning

The more I meditated and paid attention, the more aware I became of ‘the voice’. Meditation had started out as a mostly blissful experience, and as my mind opened, I started to hear and see more and more of the conditioning, and it did not feel good at all. My system got super stressed. I basically triggered on unprocessed events and negative self talk each time I would meditate.

As I became more trauma informed, I learned that this is common and why sometimes it is more supportive to hit pause on meditation, and instead use another tool to help with trauma (more below). That made me really curious about looking for a tool that could help, now that there is awareness..

And as I listened to my clients, friends, and people around me, I heard the same conditioned programs fly out of their mouths. .

I am not good enough…

I can’t

It’s not possible

I do not know how..

I don’t want to let people down..

and they too triggered despite having talked about it at nauseam in therapy, and having enough tools to write a book about it themselves

It is often super frustrating to have awareness and no tool to change it. That is why I snuck ACCEPTANCE in here. We ALL have an inner dialogue, and all are deeply conditioned. Don’t beat yourself up over beating yourself up and not knowing how to change it.

Talking about it and learning something new most often does not shift the subconscious programs about it. Now we consciously know something, but subconsciously do not believe it, and that feels like tug of war between our two ears. And then one begins to wonder …’what is wrong with me? I know this to be true, but I cannot seem to FEEL it and ACT on it’

The exciting thing is that we all are powerful and have incredible resources and tools available. Now let’s change that negative self talk and love yourself, for real!

But first,

what didn’t work to reprogram the subconscious mind

Having all this awareness is amazing, and for sure game changing. AND without a tool to change the tapes, it also felt brutal at times.

Meditation, mindfulness, journaling, sound healing, reiki, Breathwork, plant medicine, coaching, therapy…all incredible tools and resources to bring awareness, connection to source, energy shifts, and understanding. So powerful.

Yet none of them make the voice sound like a loving compassionate friend.

I tried all the different ways to deal with the voice.

Accept it.

Observe it.

Ignore it.

Sit with it.

Argue with it.

Write about it.

Move around with it.

Passionately, I wanted to change those tapes.

Since we established that the subconscious mind is programmed and conditioned, it surely can be reprogrammed.

Now I had awareness and acceptance, but something in me kept getting the sense that there has got to be a way to shift things fully.

How I finally found the missing piece

I also tried a lot of different mind hacks, brain exercises, law of attraction, wellness tools, gratitude practices to make lasting changes to my default thinking and feeling. Most tools helped in the moment, as long as I kept using them regularly.

I tried willpower..that works for a while and then gets exhausting, and personally I don’t enjoy governing myself with that much masculine energy. And at the end of the day, our subconscious programming, does not change with willpower.

I tried affirmations to help myself love myself, and believe in myself. Sometimes it felt nice, other times affirming something I struggled to believe almost made the contrast feel worse. Looks like affirmations only work when you already believe it. Otherwise it takes repeating the new belief up to 100 times a day for up to a year for it to become embodied! That is a lot.

I was on the quest to find the best tool. I had actually already heard about it a few years prior, but dismissed it as ‘too good to be true’.

It found me again in 2018.

I felt super agitated, and judged that the work I was offering wasn’t helpful enough. For as long as I can remember, there is one thing really clear about my life: I m here to help people. It felt like I was missing something, specifically a way to create lasting transformation. My clients had results. They had amazing awareness, all the tools, but something was missing…

They would not always use the tools, or would not embody what they know, or take the action..and we would find ourselves periodically bumping up against seemingly the same deep blocks, despite knowing better.

I declared to the universe that I NEED a better way to help myself and others with trauma, grief, limiting beliefs, and the whole subconscious mess, and received!!!

I was introduced to human design and that is how I stumbled across PSYCH-K, again.  Life changed!

Learn more here https://theceowisdom.com/what-is-psych-k/

step 3: change the negative self talk & love yourself with subconscious integration

You can release stress (trauma) and change limiting beliefs!!!!!! I had been looking for this tool that gives these kind of results for almost 20 years!!! It has been incredible!

PSYCH-K is a fast, efficient, and gentle way to help you to reprogram your subconscious mind, change negative self talk, love yourself, and make any changes to your mindset you want! And most importantly, you can change your perceptions of stressful events or situations. This means that you can close trauma loops, and help your brain and nervous system to release emotional charges around stressful events in your life.

It can help you make peace with the past on a subconscious level, which feels like peace and non attachment in the body.

In my opinion, PSYCH-K and subconscious Integration are most important, yet still underutilized when it comes to trauma healing.

This modality has been around for 33 years. As I mentioned, I had actually heard about PSYCH-K a few years prior, and dismissed it for being ‘too good too be true’.

We have a program about everything. At the time, after two college degrees, many certificates and trainings, years of being mentored and doing self experimentations, over a decade of experience as a coach, I believed healing and growth had to be complicated, hard, and take a long time. My mind could not comprehend that there is a simple and empowering way to change the subconscious mind.

Now I frequently forget that I once rejected this for two years, but it helps me to remember and understand people that have trouble accepting this a powerful option for themselves.

What I love most about it is how self empowering it is. You choose what you want to work with and every change you want to make, and we are partners in a sacred space together. You are your own healer and can use the processes to help you help yourself.

Free your mind, free your body, relationships, and career

Finally the keys to reprogram my subconscious mind, and help my clients to reprogram theirs.

It is hard to put it into a few sentences how things between my two ears feel these days.

I react to life in completely new ways, and the dialogue between my ears sounds very different. I by default treat myself like somebody I care about, both in my inner dialogue and in my actions. This is reflected back in the quality of my relationships, and how I show up in my work. Integrating my subconscious was the missing piece for me, and clicked things into place beyond what I had hoped for.

Check out some of my client’s experiences here https://ellirichter.com/testimonials/

I made a lot of my own dreams come true, including living nomadic and traveling across the country while helping people all over the world. Pinch me!!!

Also, my health has been transformed. I feel a lot more myself and vibrant. I am able to create more, and have more balance between work, rest, play, and relationships.

The subconscious mind governs our physiology, including nervous system, digestion, muscle contraction, and heart rate. A lot of my aches and pains, digestive issues, allergies, and imbalances have disappeared as I been clearing stress from my mind. I used to get debilitating headaches, and that has improved by 90%.

It is so fun to help people with their challenges and goals in any area of life.

Releasing emotional and mental stress and restoring blood flow back to the brain brings back valuable energy, can help you to experience more ease and peace in your day to day, and gives back your natural bandwidth to make decisions and take empowered action towards your healing and growth.

Well, now you know what you can do to reprogram that negative self talk and learn to love yourself. Now you know about PSYCH-K, and you can get it right here with me/us. 

You can join one of our groups https://theceowisdom.com/work-with-us/live-group-classes/ or you can work with us 1-1.

You can schedule a consultation with me here https://theceowisdom.com/work-with-us/live-group-classes/

so much love, E